With concerns over the future of connectivity from the UK post-Brexit, the UK government has established a highly paid 15-person committee to examine whether a focus group study should be conducted into the feasibility of a new bridge to connect London Heathrow Airport with Amsterdam Schiphol Airport. This follows strenuous attempts by recent governments to encourage air passengers to travel anywhere except to and from the UK by turning its largest airports into storage parks by finding every excuse available not to build any new runways.
The committee will be headed by the Bishop of Bottom Hollow and Little Barking, who leaped to prominence last year by excommunicating all airline staff in the UK, whom he described as “sinful exponents of the dark art”. He was quoted at the time as saying: “It is unnatural. These metal tubes cannot logically get off the ground. There’s no such thing as lift! We all know a lift is controlled by a pulley system. I’ve seen the Harry Potter film. I know they exist. These airline CEOs are dangerous people. They cannot be trusted.”
The concept of the new “Air Bridge” would be to allow passengers at Heathrow to connect, via a short bus ride, through Schiphol Airport to lots of other places in the world. This will, according to the revolutionary plan, avoid the need to build any more airports, runways or terminals in the UK. Under the daft (sic) plan, published last week by Wikileaks, funding for the bridge would be generated from a simple tripling of the Air Passenger Duty.
“It’s only a few quid anyway and most people can afford it. If they can’t they should get the train to Scotland or Wales or stay at home. There’s lots of good programmes on the telly these days”, said a representative of Her Majesty’s Treasury, who is also working through his venture capitalist interests to secure a small stake in a new privatised BBC as well as national rail franchises.
The UK Department for Transport has recently undertaken a study of passenger preferences which persuaded them that there would be no direct impact on customer perceptions of the transfer process. The study concluded that, using some shiny new buses that might be manufactured in China or somewhere quite cheap, the trip time between the two airports would barely differ from the current time taken to connect between terminals at Heathrow. On the plan, one Londoner said: “Passengers can save their bread by using their loaf. We’ve been rabbiting about this for donkey’s. Open your mincies to its potential.”
No UK government official would go on record for comment as they were all busy undermining one another and denying any involvement in the discussions. When questioned on the matter one prominent politician reinforced his outspoken viewpoint that a new Thames Estuary Airport remained the best solution to London capacity issues. He claimed this was based on ‘blue sky thinking’ and denied his ideas were from a 70 year old strategy first discussed by an aircraft designer back in the 1940s.
Meanwhile a spokesman for the Dutch Ministry of Transport said something that no-one outside Holland could understand, and then expressed a total lack of knowledge of any proposed Anglo-Dutch bridge. “There’s no way we want any more transfer passengers here either. Now that we don’t charge them, they only get in the way and we already have long queues at the border for non-schengen arrivals,” he said.
“Before we know it we’ll have to build another runway even further away than Polderbaan. We are already having to consider adding a fuel stop and drive through takeaway to meet the demands of the expanding low-cost carrier market during the aircraft’s taxi to and from the terminal. Maybe we should push the boundaries and build it in Brussels instead. It would still be quicker than connecting between terminals in London” he added.
Our The Blue Swan Daily analysis of UK Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) data does highlight one major benefit. Last year an estimated 1.6 million passengers flew between London Heathrow and Amsterdam on the numerous flights of British Airways and KLM. When you look at the wider London market that number grows to 3.7 million annual passengers with flights also offered by CityJet, easyJet, flybe and Vueling.
“If just a fraction of these passengers are also allowed to take advantage of the bridge concept then we can open up valuable slots at Heathrow and allow numerous airlines access to the airport,” says a spokesman for the London airport. “We will then be able to finally open our skies to every Chinese second and third tier destination. We could beat Frankfurt and Amsterdam to securing routes to the likes of Fuqing, Maoming and Wuhu.”